Start the year off right with History 101

The title of this post and all the block quoted areas are unedited sections of an email I received from a conservative relative of mine. I sent this response back to her:
Comments from the left side of the peanut gallery…

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the summer.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeque and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of “the Liberal movement.”

I like how it seems as if these “liberals” couldn’t survive with out the “conservatives”…as if meat is the only source of food, and is absolutely necessary to sustain life. At the time it may have been true, but there was more of a co-dependency that wasn’t mentioned…I’m sure they just overlooked that without the sewing of clothes the conservatives would burn in the sun and freeze in the cold.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as ‘girleymen.’

So there were no women before this?…or were ALL women naturally liberal because of their useless ‘girley’ jobs?…I wish the latter was the case today, then maybe dubya would have gotten the boot.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Those are all very nice, but obviously made to be very insignificant and even rude. How about mentioning the greatest achievement…science? It was liberals that stumbled upon the not so “girlie” discovery of fission of the uranium nucleus, and it was a pacifist liberal (yes I know some think that’s redundant), Einstein, actually pushed for the president to prepare for nuclear warfare during WWII. It was a liberal that pushed for the invention of the pill, and it’s liberals that constantly fight for our rights (see ACLU).

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Who cares. As George Carlin would say, “I’ll leave the symbols to the symbol-minded.”

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

I can’t drink beer at all. I think I’m allergic to the hops, which is fine because it all tastes like shit to me. I’m not a wine drinker either, except ice wine, and water is just evil. There is no taste to it at all. For alcoholic drinks I prefer something mixed with rum otherwise just juice and milk for me. And I don’t like to eat hockey pucks…My steak should be pink in the middle. I tent to not eat raw fish unless it’s Sushi, which is phenomenal, tofu is fine too (it tastes like whatever it was cooked with, so you can’t really go wrong with it), but I don’t think I’ve ever had French food. I might get to try some when I go to Spain this spring…we might wander across the border for a day.

Another interesting revolutionary side note, most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

humf…tell that to Kurt.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Again scientists are neglected, and some liberals are engineers, web developers, and even former military.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.

I don’t know jack about sports.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government.

Love the wording on this one…”still provide for their women”. Women are possessions, and incapable of caring for themselves? I don’t buy into that “weaker sex” theory.

Rodeo cowboys and athletes are productive workers?…yeah right!…They’re entertainers just like the “dreamers in Hollywood”. The only difference is that athletes and rodeo cowboys destroy their bodies and are forced to retire at an early age.

So the conservative politicians are separate from other conservatives?…why?…does it not fit in with the view of conservatives being hard working?

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

This implies liberals are lazy…I work for a living, and know many liberals that work! I think that many liberals just don’t live to work, but rather work to live, or lie in the middle somewhere.

Liberals produce little or nothing.

Thanks to the current conservative regime there are fewer people on both sides of the political fence producing anything in this country.

They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Really, and the conservatives don’t get joy from governing?…this is why conservative politicians were left out in the statements above isn’t it? What about the FCC, which is run by Colin Powell’s son, arbitrarily enforcing penalties against some and not for others. The FCC is able to evoke “indecency” on their whim since it hasn’t ever been defined. There are currently things that were perfectly ok to broadcast in the 70’s and 80’s that are not ok today.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.

I can’t speak for all liberals but for me, Yes it’s true.

That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

uuhh no. I don’t think there was a political difference between the people who left and those who stayed, however it’s true that after Bush was reelected many more American’s fled to Canada than in years past. I would assume the majority were liberal.

They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

uumm actually many of the people that drafted and signed the Declaration of Independence were pretty liberal (http://earlyamerica.com/review/summer97/secular.html).

I think the more for nothing idea mostly a conservative one; see Enron CEO, and corporate executives that fund conservative politicians so that they may continue to outsource jobs to countries with lower wage requirements.

I think I’ll start this year on the left as I have for at least the past nine years.