Kurt’s Super Nerf Powers

Kurt first realized his Super Nerf Powers after nearly castrating a friend with a smelt net as a child. His friend was up in a tree retrieving a soccer ball and Kurt thought it would be funny to blindly poke up through the bushes. On the first shot he hit his friend right in the nuts, and with the second he hit him in the eye. Thankfully Kurt isn’t just dangerous to others. He continually complains about the dullness of our knives. He can’t cut shit with them and thus all sharp and normally deadly objects are safe in his hands.

A few weeks ago Kurt came running to me in utter disbelief as his index finger spurted blood like an anime cartoon. He had cut himself on the tin-foil cover of a yogurt cup, and as if that weren’t amazing proof of his unusual Super Nerf Power a few days later he had yet another incident. He was cooking, which is usually safe considering all of the hot burners and sharp implements of death, but this time he was up against a very blunt potato. He was using a knife with his thumb on top of the handle and cutting a potato with a down and forward motion. As he pushed down on a thin slice a sliver formed on the potato and on the forward sawing like motion he proceeded to shove said sliver under his thumbnail. He literally had to use tweezers to remove the potato sliver from under his thumb as if it were a wood sliver or metal filing and after doing so it began seeping blood. In case you missed that, a potato drew blood.