Emotional doubts
In about 58 days people will be able to say that I’m a mom, and when people ask me if I have kids I don’t have to ask, “Do pets count?” I will have my own squishy pink vomiting poop machine. That’s right after four pets (one malamute, one husky, one cat, and an African Grey parrot) I don’t have any delusions of what it’s like to care for another being, yet I still want my own little devil spawn. I’m told “it’s worth it” and that being a parent is “amazing”. It’s not that I don’t believe them, but I’m just not feeling it. Yes, I cried the first time I heard the heartbeat, and it was amazing to see Sophia open and close her mouth during the ultrasound. She even stuck her fist into her mouth. The first kicks were a little weird. They didn’t even really feel like kicks. Maybe I just need to be able to hold her and see her face in person instead of on a screen in black and white because right now it feels like I have an alien inside me that’s keeping me awake at night with a lot of heartburn and acid reflux. There have been a couple of times recently where I felt very close to my growing parasite (aside from the obvious, she’s inside me). I mean emotionally of course. Will I actually become as attached to her as I think I should? Shouldn’t I already feel this way?
Today Kurt and I were playing City of Heroes and because I have no lap, the cat curled up on my stomach. Sophia kicked him off. Her kicks are of course much stronger now. A couple of times her kicks caused me to nearly jump out of my seat at work. In the evening, I’ll sometimes roll my shirt up to watch her roll around in my stomach. It looks like my stomach is Jell-O that’s been flicked – watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle. It’s somewhat gross. In the past two days, she has been into holding her poses. I don’t get to see an actual foot print in my stomach yet but when I push in certain spots, I can tell I’m touching some part of her.
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