Collagen: Cure Stretch marks, Cellulite, and Wrinkles

Commercials and other age defying cures drive me batty, so I must inform that there isn’t a magic lotion or any other type of topical ointment cream, wrap or elixir that will give back the great young skin everyone wants. Stretch marks, cellulite and wrinkles are part of life. Grow up and old and just fucking accept that the enemy of imperfect skin is deteriorating collagen fibers.

Collagen is a protein in the connective tissue of animals (yes, humans are animals) that allows young skin to have its elasticity. Stretch marks are caused by gaining weight too fast for collagen cells to keep up. This is at cellular level people hence topical crap simply won’t cut it. The best way to avoid stretch marks is to not grow fast, which due to genetics maybe impossible at puberty (I have stretch marks on my knees from growing too fast as a kid). During pregnancy the growing parasite inside and your hormones, determine when you’re hungry and if the food is going to stay down. I was hungry ALL the time when I was pregnant. I remember my stomach waking me up (not the creature inside, but my actual stomach) at 2am and I HAD to eat something. I would be famished even after eating a large meal for dinner. – For those of you from the Midwest, when I say dinner I mean the evening meal not lunch. The evening meal is dinner not supper. The last supper was like 2000 years ago. There’s a painting showing the last supper hanging in a museum somewhere, so stop calling it supper. It makes my ass twitch to hear the word supper. It sounds stupid so just stop, ok?

Whether from puberty or pregnancy you won’t be able to control the rapid growth. **Pregnancy is not a time to diet.** So unless your mother, grandmothers and great-grandmothers all came away from pregnancy with out a mark you’re doomed to see those red lines. They will eventually fade and then only show up when attempting to tan. I think my red lines finally went away a couple months ago. I didn’t really notice when they disappeared. They didn’t leave a note. But I do know it took months because I remember wondering when they would finally leave.

Nothing topical helps cellulite either. The keys to keeping cellulite at bay are:

• Eating plenty of fruits, vegetables, and fiber
• Staying hydrated
• Regular exercise - this doesn’t mean marathon insanity just get up and move around. Walking is great exercise
• Maintaining a healthy weight for your body frame/type (if you’re doing the previous three listed bullets and there are no medical conditions or medications affecting weight, this one should fall into place on its own)
• Not smoking

Cellulite forms when collagen in areas that have fat near the surface of the skin – mostly tights and butt on women - stretch, break down, or pull tight. This doesn’t mean that only fat people get cellulite. It has to do more with being female (it’s more common in women than men – lucky us) and the collagen stretching and/or breaking down because skinny women can have it too. Several things may play a role in cellulite forming, genetics, hormones, fad dieting, slow metabolism, and even dehydration.

I gained 42 pounds when I was pregnant. My digestive system slowed down, and hormones ran amuck. I had cottage cheese ass and it wasn’t pretty. I’m back to my regular 130 pounds and things are mostly back to normal. I don’t have the dimples, but some stuff will never be quite like when I was 23, ever.

The only thing the topical lotions/ointments and other crap are good for is dry itchy skin, however the itchiness isn’t going to go away completely if your skin is healing scars or stretching across a pregnant belly. You’ll only get temporary relief from that.

In the US we tend to bathe too often and it doesn’t help our skin at all. Note that though I’m aware of this tidbit I still shower daily unless I’m camping or I just want to be left alone to my dirty-hippy-vegan-patchouli-oil-wearing self. No, I’m not a vegan. I’ve never even considered being vegetarian, and I’ve NEVER used patchouli oil. For those of you who do use it you should know that those of us that don’t think you smell funny and not in any sort of good way. Now go take a fucking shower and wash your funky hair.

Using regular soap instead of soaps with their natural glycerin byproduct removed and/or added detergents really helps. If you want to know what’s in your soaps, lotions and other cosmetics go to the Environmental Working Group’s Skin Deep Cosmetic Safety Database.