I hate electronics, computers (except my laptop *petting HP Pavilion*), and gadgets of all sorts (except my digital SLR *petting Nikon D60*). Anytime something is made in order to make our lives simpler it complicates things. It’s just one more thing to break. *grumble*
Last week we had a bit of heat wave. Shut up you out-of-staters! It was hot. Even I thought it was hot. I, who used to wear a poncho at work to make a statement about how fucking cold the office was during the winter or anytime the AC was on in the summer.
Even though Thursday was two degrees cooler than Wednesday, according to the weatherman, that day truly tested my patients. Truly. It actually started out well. Knowing I wanted to spend the day in the sun, I packed a soft-sided cooler big enough to hold at least a half-rack of beer. I didn’t pack any beer. The cooler was way more than I needed for snacks, but I brought a lot of water because it was going to be HOT.
Sophia and I went to her swim class then I took her to the beach. It’s not really a beach. There isn’t any sand, but it’s all we have, so it’s a beach. The parks and recreation department recently made “improvements” to the area and added a playground. It sucks ass for toddlers or anyone who is prone to motion sickness. The person who chose the park equipment apparently LOVES climbing and spinning in circles. The first is fine, the latter not so much. Spinning Sucks! We moved on to a different park within the area. It hadn’t been updated since the ‘70s. When was my last tetanus shot? *shrug* Oh well, at least there wasn’t any spinning.
So far, we had been in and out of the car three times. One more stop before heading home. I had to pick a couple things for dinner. I used the car remote to simultaneously lock and arm the car alarm as usual before heading into the store with Sophia. I grabbed the couple of things I needed, paid, and headed back to the car in the now blazing sun with my recently purchased perishables. I pushed the button that should simultaneously disarm and unlock the car. Nothing. Pushed it again. Still nothing. I pushed it another 500 times, each time thinking, “it’s gotta work *this* time.” No go. Poor Sophia, her toddler head was baking in the sun. I grumbled and headed back to the entrance of the store with the cart and Sophia to call my hubby. “How do I open this stupid piece of shit remote and what battery does it need?” I asked.
I opened the stupid remote and out fell the battery and the metal piece that is supposed to hold said battery in place. SHIT! I went back to the car. Holding the battery in place while firmly pressing on the metal piece to try and give it just enough of a connection I pressed the button. The alarm system was not convinced. Many sailor words, which some oddly refer to as “French” as in “Please excuse my French”, few out of my mouth. I don’t understand why it’s referred to as French. If they were at all French they would be spelled completely different. Shit would be “shautet” and pronounced something like “saw-eh” and Fuck would be “faucket”, pronounced “fock-eh”. Neither have the punch of a hard consonant ending that I sought. Don’t get me wrong. I love the French and their language sounds beautiful. They just add too many useless damn vowels. Except for maybe ex-president Dubya, one always knows the origin of a word like entrepreneur by the number of vowels.
With one last GODDANMIT-STUPID-FUCKER-WORK-ALREADY I said screw it and opened the trunk with the actual key. The alarm went off, of course. I put the groceries in, slammed it shut, and tried to open the door with the key. No go. Once the alarm goes off the doors remain locked. Bastard.
I wheeled the cart and baby back to the store to purchase a new battery. EVERYONE in the parking lot stared at me. I went back to the car with the remote and new battery. Nothing. Thoughts ran through my mind of being able to get into the car someday and then happily backing over the remote repeatedly. It made me smile briefly. I think the remote knew it. Bastard.
I didn’t know what to do. Everyone I knew was at work. If I called a towing company there still wouldn’t be anyway for me to get home. Even if they were inclined to give rides it would be illegal for them to take me without a car seat for Sophia. Oh wait! My friend who lives close is on maternity leave. Yay! I opened the trunk to retrieve my rotting-in-the-sun perishables, which set off the alarm again. People stared at me, again. I called my friend to pick me up.
I sounded like a lost kid calling mom, “can you come get me?”
“Where are you?”
“Fred Meyer”
Seriously, that’s how the conversation went. I was a pathetic lost puppy. Poor Sophia was confused about why we couldn’t just get in the car and why it kept making that sound.
Remembering that I had brought a cooler I went back to the trunk of the car and opened it one last time. The alarm went off AGAIN and people stared at me AGAIN. After removing our snacks and water all my groceries fit into it. Yay!
June 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
That was great. I too would savor running over that remote. And really, french swear words suck. All they do is swear againt the church. I’ll take our swear words anyday!
Erica Reply:
June 13th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Susan Anderson – I never learned such language in French class. I’m appalled…that I didn’t. LOL