Since I’ve reduced the number of times I breastfeed Sophia to two, my mommy jugs have shrunk and I’ve been needing new bras for about four or five months now. Yep, I hate shopping that badly. I’ve been putting up with the straps on both sides falling down to my elbows anytime I relax my shoulders which lowers the whole bra just above my belly button. It’s annoying and I’m finally tired of putting up with it. I liked the fun of gignormous naughty pillows, but thankfully, I no longer have much to support.

The last time I went bra shopping was when my milk came in to the tune of needing a 38D. Holy CRAP I was huge! That was a year and three months ago. It’s time I put the lunch lady bra with the 42 cast iron hooks away, in the trash. When I went shopping for the nursing bra I learned that no one frickin’ sells them. It doesn’t matter if department stores sell maternity clothes and bras they simply don’t sell nursing bras. I had to go to the Motherhood store to get some support in that area. I don’t remember how much I spent and it doesn’t matter. In my opinion when you go from mosquito bite booblets to Inga the wet-nurse you want the full on wide shoulder strap, triple hooked, under wire mega bra. If they came in self-washing I would have bought those too. For the first four months I wore those damn things twenty-four seven because I needed something to keep the pads in place so that I didn’t have to change the sheets on my bed every morning, and if that’s too much information, you really need to grow up.

I don’t remember if any of the nursing bras were padded, but if they are any, I wouldn’t recommend them. You’ll be adding your own pads to them, so nipple-concealing bras are not necessary at that point. If you’re pregnant for the first time and you’re going to nurse your baby don’t buy a nursing bra until AFTER your milk comes in. Unlike that one boyfriend in your past, there will be no question it is IN and it’ll make your boobs bigger. Once you’re milk is in and while trying on bras it’s a good idea to keep in mind that you’ll need a little extra room for the pad. And that is the extent of my maternity bra buying assvice, so on with the story…

I’m so glad that’s nearly over and to be back to my normal size 34 slightly swollen mosquito bite cup. During today’s shopping excursion I learned that many department stores aren’t carrying any bras or at least no worthy selection of them. I went to JC Penny, NOTHING, and it’s not that every bra was sold out. There wasn’t a bra or panty section in the store at all. In the past I always purchased my bras at Sears. I went to two different Sears’ stores today. One of them didn’t have any bras as in no bra section of the store and the other only carried granny panty type bras. Now, I’m not looking for anything special. I don’t like the lacy frilly things with stripes, polka dots, or cutesy little hearts. I just want something to hold the jiggly bits still, but I don’t want anything that reminds me of a straight jacket either. I get flashbacks of the padded room I was kept in back in Nam.

Last night I was looking for bras online and knew that Old Navy had some, so I went there. Nothing but pre-teen and few stringy ‘A’ cups, what the fuck kind of selection is that?! I asked a clerk if that was all they had. Yep, that’s it. I complained that it seems like no one sells bras anymore. She looked at me as if maybe I had just gone though a sex change. I must be so out of touch. I’m a guy without a penis, the first male to give birth.

I walked though the mall and there it was, the store that twenty years ago people used to pass by and snicker at because it was nothing but fancy panties and naughty lingerie, Victoria’s Secret. That must be where all us women folk shop these days. There was even a guy there shopping with his eight year old son for mom. I went in because the sign outside said buy one, get one 50% off. I’ve never shopped there before because I know their stuff is outrageously expensive. With their sale, I figured I would be able to spend my normal full price amount. My normal is between fifteen and thirty dollars each, and even that seems extreme for a piece of string. I’m cheap as hell. The clerk, are they still called clerks? Anyway, she asked me what I was looking for. I told her I just wanted something simple. She asked if I wanted *insert a whole list of options I can’t even remember and didn’t understand*. I cringed as I said, “I don’t know, I just want a bra without an under wire” I had no idea what category my plain bra would fall under. “Oh well we only have three of those.” She took me to a changing room and handed me the three options in my size. Of course, the most expensive one felt the best to me. It actually felt AWESOME. I don’t know if it was forty-five dollars awesome, but I bought two since the second was half price. After picking my nude color no-frills lace-less bra the lady told me that if I wanted matching underwear they were on a table across the room. Really? With the nude color bra if I bought matching panties I would look like a frickin’ Barbie doll with no anatomy at all, just a couple little mounds in the front. Ok, maybe I won’t make it as Barbie, how about Skipper?

With the kind of comfort this bra gives I can now understand why other women spend more on the boob cover garment than I have done in the past, but ladies I have to tell you, men really don’t give a shit if your polka dot panties match your polka dot bra. As a matter a fact they would rather you not wear either at all, so don’t get mad when they don’t notice your newest $85 nipple-concealer. Save it for when he’s so wrapped up in his computer games that he doesn’t even notice you’re naked.