“He snapped his Achilles tendon playing softball.” Kurt said.
“Going to start teasing him about his age? Call him…oh who was that?…Not Hercules.”
Kurt raised his eyebrow, “Achilles.”
I buried my head in my hands knowing the torment about to come upon me.
“Who was the guy that died of Lou Gehrig’s disease?” He began.
Flash Fiction Friday is hosted by g-man. You may also visit Flash Fiction Friday 55′s, a blog dedicated to hosting 55 Flash Fiction Friday posts.
Watching a show on luxury yachts, they went over the details of the dining area of a yacht and I said, “two hundred thousand a week and they can’t hire someone to straighten the candle sticks?” Kurt looks at me and says, “Sounds like you’re ready to be rich. You’re a pain in the ass.”
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“What’s the special occasion?”
Dumbfounded he hesitantly said, “none”.
“I smell aftershave. You only shave on Sunday nights and it’s Wednesday.”
Laughing, “Tomorrow they’re taking pictures. I’m even going to wear my wedding tuxedo.”
“Did your boss tell you to not wear a t-shirt?”
“No, but he asked that I not wear a competitor’s shirt”
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I received two prepaid postage envelops with the junk mail today. I use them to return junk mail. “Do you have anything you want to send back to Capital One?” I asked waving the envelopes.
“Yeah, I have to take a shit.”
“Ok but I’m going to make you the one to lick the envelope.”
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“What age did we stipulate for the trust fund?”
“Twenty-five, I remember because we wanted her to live a little before receiving money so she doesn’t just blow it on things like fur necklaces.”
*blink blink blink*
“Fur necklaces? It’s a good thing I’m not into jewelry. You would really suck at picking anything good.”
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The cage was torn down, but invisible walls held her. Soon she realized she could leave at will. She came and went, bringing things back into the once prison. She fell asleep and in the night cried out with discomfort still half-asleep.
I peeked in and took the books and toys out of her bed.
The story behind the 55: As of Wednesday morning Sophia figured out she can leave her toddler bed when she wants. She had toys in her bed that morning, and Wednesday night she must have grabbed some books and toys before falling asleep because she half-woke up in the middle of the night crying with a book corner poking her cheek. Thursday morning I opened her door and caught a glimpse of her climbing back into her bed, which already had toys on it again. Silly kid thinks she’s all sneaky. 
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In January’s consumer reports, my husband read that none of Honda’s vehicles rate well for road noise reduction. I noticed that in our Civic, but I tell you what it does a hell of a job blocking toddler screams. It reduced that noise at least 80% and I didn’t even mind standing in the rain.
The story behind the 55: A month or month and a half ago Kurt read the Honda ratings to me from Consumer Reports and a couple days later I thought of it when Sophia pitched a fit while I tried to get her in her car seat. I finally got her strapped down and then closed the door. I noticed a huge reduction in noise. Standing in the parking lot of a store, I just relaxed out in the rain for a minute before getting in.
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My mother-in-law called to ask asked, “You know all those internet acronyms like L.O.L., right?”
“Yes I do.”
“Well, a friend of mine got a message and wants to know what M.I.L.F is.”
I about died laughing. Unsure of laughter as a response she asked, “Is it a complement?” She was shocked by the answer.
The story behind the 55: My mother-in-law really did ask me this on behalf of a friend of hers. Yes, dear you’re now blog fodder. *hugs* Love you! Happy birthday yesterday. 
Flash Fiction Friday is hosted by g-man. You may also visit Flash Fiction Friday 55′s, a blog dedicated to hosting 55 Flash Fiction Friday posts.
“You know what I love about the Smurf toddler pictures?”
“No, what?”
“I love that you sat back with the camera and just let her do her thing. Some parents get all bent out of shape about that kind of thing.”
“Well then I did a whole lot better than that…I gave her the pen.”
The story behind the 55 and a little beyond: Last weekend we had a day set aside for potty training. I barricaded Sophia and myself in our basement floor because it’s tiled and there is a bathroom. We played with the big LEGOS and read lots of books. We got bored after a while so I gave her a blue pen and paper. I knew she would draw on herself a little but I ignored it. I heard her drawing on the paper and after about a minute turned to look at her and there she was, Smurf toddler.
Shortly after the pictures, I sat her on the potty and read a few more books while she did nothing. She did the sign for dirty and wanted to wash her hands at the sink so I let her. A couple minutes later she came out saying, “wet, wet, wet”. I’m looking at her like, “no shit, you were just playing in the sink.” Then I saw the blue trail from the ink washing off the bottom of her feet.
“Oh, you peed?”
“Yes.”
Kurt got a little bent out of shape about Smurf toddler. He asked me if it was a special washable pen. I said, “It was a pen off your desk. I’m sure it’ll come off eventually.”
A little later Sophia peed in the potty. She sat on the potty for about 30 minutes while I read to her. She started to go and then looked at me, “uh oh, wet, wet,” and she tried to hold it. Then she saw my big smile and realized it was a good thing, “Yay! Are you peeing in the potty?”
“Yes” she smiled.
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Many encourage bans on ‘bad’ words attempting to render all language inoffensive. It’s not possible. Other terms will convey the same meaning soon becoming offensive. Use of “Joe Six Pack” during the vice presidential debate offends me, what about my rights? Blue vans collecting donations read, “Northwest Center for the Retarded”. Should they change too?
Flash Fiction Friday is hosted by g-man. You may also visit Flash Fiction Friday 55′s, a blog dedicated to hosting 55 Flash Fiction Friday posts.
