My mother-in-law called to ask asked, “You know all those internet acronyms like L.O.L., right?”
“Yes I do.”
“Well, a friend of mine got a message and wants to know what M.I.L.F is.”
I about died laughing. Unsure of laughter as a response she asked, “Is it a complement?” She was shocked by the answer.
The story behind the 55: My mother-in-law really did ask me this on behalf of a friend of hers. Yes, dear you’re now blog fodder. *hugs* Love you! Happy birthday yesterday. 
Flash Fiction Friday is hosted by g-man. You may also visit Flash Fiction Friday 55’s, a blog dedicated to hosting 55 Flash Fiction Friday posts.
Scratchy Pumpkin Pie
Our dog sitters usually get compensated with tamales, and then did again for watching the dogs while we were in Hawaii, but this time I also left them a little something else. I always leave a note on the freezer with instructions for how many scoops of kibble goes to which dog and who gets how much of what medication.
The friend that would be feeding the dogs for us on this occasion is similar to me in our cooking methods. We feel spending three hours in the kitchen to create a meal similar to those served by a farmer’s wife in the 1940’s is more satisfying and nutritious than the “Hungry Man” in the freezer section that takes five minutes in the microwave. Neither of us even owns a microwave. I know, it’s sacrilege. At the bottom of the note I wrote the following to her:
The half a pumpkin pie in the refrigerator is for you and your hubby. Don’t worry, we didn’t touch that half. I made it all myself from scratch, including the crust. Well, actually I didn’t grow the pumpkins from seedlings with time, love, and bedtime stories. I didn’t even buy pre-nurtured pumpkins from the store to use. They were all out. I guess this year was a bad one for pumpkin growing. I did however use two very nice undented cans of pumpkin puree. Oh, I also didn’t milk the cows for the cream I used, or raise the chickens for the eggs. *hanging my head in shame* I didn’t even grow the spices. Damn, I guess it’s not as scratchy as I made it out. But it’s still really good pie. I hope you enjoy it.
“You know what I love about the Smurf toddler pictures?”
“No, what?”
“I love that you sat back with the camera and just let her do her thing. Some parents get all bent out of shape about that kind of thing.”
“Well then I did a whole lot better than that…I gave her the pen.”
The story behind the 55 and a little beyond: Last weekend we had a day set aside for potty training. I barricaded Sophia and myself in our basement floor because it’s tiled and there is a bathroom. We played with the big LEGOS and read lots of books. We got bored after a while so I gave her a blue pen and paper. I knew she would draw on herself a little but I ignored it. I heard her drawing on the paper and after about a minute turned to look at her and there she was, Smurf toddler.
Shortly after the pictures, I sat her on the potty and read a few more books while she did nothing. She did the sign for dirty and wanted to wash her hands at the sink so I let her. A couple minutes later she came out saying, “wet, wet, wet”. I’m looking at her like, “no shit, you were just playing in the sink.” Then I saw the blue trail from the ink washing off the bottom of her feet.
“Oh, you peed?”
“Yes.”
Kurt got a little bent out of shape about Smurf toddler. He asked me if it was a special washable pen. I said, “It was a pen off your desk. I’m sure it’ll come off eventually.”
A little later Sophia peed in the potty. She sat on the potty for about 30 minutes while I read to her. She started to go and then looked at me, “uh oh, wet, wet,” and she tried to hold it. Then she saw my big smile and realized it was a good thing, “Yay! Are you peeing in the potty?”
“Yes” she smiled.
Flash Fiction Friday is hosted by g-man. You may also visit Flash Fiction Friday 55’s, a blog dedicated to hosting 55 Flash Fiction Friday posts.
Many encourage bans on ‘bad’ words attempting to render all language inoffensive. It’s not possible. Other terms will convey the same meaning soon becoming offensive. Use of “Joe Six Pack” during the vice presidential debate offends me, what about my rights? Blue vans collecting donations read, “Northwest Center for the Retarded”. Should they change too?
Flash Fiction Friday is hosted by g-man. You may also visit Flash Fiction Friday 55’s, a blog dedicated to hosting 55 Flash Fiction Friday posts.
“So, what happened to the relationship?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Why?”
“We have a long history.”
“Oh, I thought this was a new person.”
“No, we’ve been on again and off again for years.”
“Oh, one of those relationships, what’s the problem?”
“If I tell you, you’ll think less of me.”
“Don’t be silly, that’s not possible.”
Flash Fiction Friday is hosted by g-man. You may also visit Flash Fiction Friday 55’s, a blog dedicated to hosting 55 Flash Fiction Friday posts.
Sleepy Tots
Why is it that no matter how tired my kid gets she never falls asleep in public?
