I had subscribed to Parents magazine a couple years ago. For some reason I am still getting issues and I don’t know why. After the first two or three, I stopped reading them and they merely made a trip from the mailbox to the recycle bin. That is just how impressed I am with their hard-hitting news and information regarding babies. I mean, in their article about Natural Fertility Boosters the first thing listed was acupuncture. I’m sorry, but that’s just preying on those desperate to conceive. You may as well tell me about the salad that can help me produce the male baby I so desire. This month (the December 2006 issue) I kept it only for the front page print that read, “home remedies doctors swear by” of course they never give you page numbers to the article titles that actually catch your attention and they don’t even give it the same name in the table of contents. It took me a while to figure out that the article I was looking for was on page 82, “Pediatricians’ Best Cold and Flu Remedies – What your doctor does when his child has a nasty cold, fever, or the flu.” I refrain from picking on the pronoun used for doctor, but I will obviously take note of it, so moving on. The first part covers cough and sore throat. It says, “Bring on the liquids” DUH! There were other little tips but nothing earth shattering – same for the nasal congestion section. The section about fever was ok – dispelling the myth of “sweat it out” being ok. I have noticed all sections insist the child should have plenty of fluids – I just cannot believe I paid for this. Really, the only thing I did not know was in the stomach flu section. It talked about the “BRAT” diet, which is apparently bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast for when they are ready for solid foods again.

Since I was reading this issue, I figured I would turn to page 128 to read, “185 cool baby names”, or as listed in the table of contents, “Name Game”. The story of one persons journey to the right baby name was just cheesy and all the little boxes and blurbs thorough out the pages with lists of names was not just retarded but horrifying! I am ok with their list of “Gender Benders” Aiden, Aubrey, Avery, Bailey, Brady, Cameron, Chase, Emery, Morgan, and Taylor. Although I do not think I would give my child any of these names, I would defiantly not name my boy Aubrey. They had another box with the “Surname Swap”. The boys names were ok except for Fisher – reminds me of Fisher Price – it’s a toy company not a child’s name! The girl’s list had two hits from me, Mackenzie, the name of the Budweiser mascot and Miller, another cheap beer reference. Nothing against beer, but both of those are shit beers!

Another list that got to me was, “Cross-Guessing these hip girls’ names used to belong to the boys” Devon, Dylan, Jordan, Tyler – These are ok but Blake is just to harsh a name for a little girl and Cullen? Sounds like Culling puppies to me. Brennan is ok, but Kirby? That’s a vacuum cleaner!

On the next page they list fruit for names. I’m never naming my girl Cherry and I shouldn’t have to explain why. Boys names are listed as, Hawthorn, Rowan, Fig, Huckleberry and Mulberry. Hawthorn is not bad. I will not choose it, but I can see it as a valid boy’s name. Fig is not a name it’s the type of leaf Adam wore to cover his genitals, but Huckleberry would be funny. Kurt’s friend from Wisconsin told us he wants to name his son Spartacus, so that when the teacher calls roll call the boy will stand up and say, “I am Spartacus”. With Huckleberry, I am thinking of the movie Tombstone with Val Kilmer playing Doc Holliday, “I’m your Huckleberry”.

Another retarded list of names was the “Put it in reverse” Heart = Traeh and Leader = Redael. One of their examples didn’t even follow suit – Wonder = Redwon? That ain’t backwards you imbeciles!

Now for the worst of the worst… In this article, they had the balls to suggest that names typically reserved for dogs are just too cute to remain canine only. These people need to be shot! I’m going to start with the “boys” names: Riley, Duke, Tiger, Buddy, Milo. If you are going to have a boy please read the following very closely… Your son will never get a job if his name is TIGER! And Buddy is a only a nickname – always has been always will be. Now for the “girls” names: Sierra, Shiloh, Sadie, Benji, and Lola. I can tolerate all those except Benji. Yes, the movie was great, touching and all that, but that was an ugly mongrel mutt DOG.

On the humorous side – A few months ago, the admin person at work asked me an odd question out of the blue, “Do women usually, you know, drop a load when giving birth?” Why she chose me to ask I don’t know, but I had heard of that in the past. I figured it was common enough and that’s what I told her, so when I read the bottom of page 152 I cracked up.

Poop on the delivery-room table. As unpleasant as it might sound, it’s not uncommon to defecate, pass gas, or urinate while giving birth. “This is a positive sign that the mother is pushing correctly,” says Dr. Miriam Greene. “She shouldn’t be embarrassed.” Easier said than done! But rest assured that your nurses and doctor have seen it all before. And don’t worry about what your husband thinks either.

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